Hold the Tomatoes . . . But We Will Take the Expired Green Tea Yogurt

This vacation has been full of discovery. The discovery that I have way too much shit (some of which I donated today). The discovery that my mother wants to control the universe and therefore has my father call me "to get me up" . . . on my vacation. Cause you know . . . wouldn't want to waste a vacation by sleeping. Especially a vacation in which one stayed home.

And I did get up. Out of guilt.

There is also the discovery of the "woodland" animals. It being spring and all. My garbage rules have changed, due to the major construction project in front of my house. No cans anymore. Only bags. Used to be that I could just throw random crap from my car into a garbage can and it would be taken by the trash fairies every week. Now it can only be in bags . . . and certain color bags at that. I don't know what happens if I set out a green garbage bag, for example.

So I got this news like I get all my construction news. A single piece of white paper with some clip art of dump trucks printed on it. Except this one was rubber banded to some clear plastic bags, which are NOT garbage bags by the way. Clear is not one of the mandatory colors. The clear bags are for my recycling, which used to go into a nice little bin. A blue bin that I still own for those who care. And when reading my "new trash rules" I started grumbling swear words because, as a homeowner, I know how much I am charged for trash pickup . . . it's on my water bill and it is a rather hefty sum.

Anyhow, I already had random trash in my can before the "new trash rules". So I just put the required white bag next to the can. And the woodland animals came. And pulled out all of the tomatoes and one radish. Now before you think that I am an awful wasteful person, it was two tomatoes and they were moldy. I had planned to eat them before the mold, but it just didn't work out. Welcome to eating for one and the yearbook being overdue.

But here's the problem. They pulled out the tomatoes and nibbled. Three nibbles to be exact. No nibbles on the radish. And then all of the woodland animals decided that they didn't like tomatoes. Because I left them there for a while . . . thinking that if I rebagged them they would just get pulled out again. Discovery: Suburban "woodland" animals think they like tomatoes, but when it comes down to it they don't. And really, no one likes radishes . . . except my grandfather.

So today, I come back from the Salvation Army donation center and there are green blobs and plastic bits on my driveway. And at the end of my driveway is a nibbled open container of Trader Joe's green tea yogurt. Expired. And all over my driveway. But this time I didn't leave the white bag out . . . it takes me a moment to realize this. And in looking at the can, covered in green tea yogurt also, the lid was slightly open, causing someone in jump into the can, find the yogurt, bring it to the lid, and then sit on the lid of the trash can while chewing open the container. All in the course of an hour. And it must have been a wild suburban gerbil because they enjoyed chewing off all the plastic until they had a sideways yogurt container bowl. Yum.

So Trader Joe's green tea yogurt much more popular than produce. Discovery two.