Trying Too Hard

First of all, let me state that this is my LEAST favorite night and holiday of the year. I hate New Year's Eve. There is always all this expectation behind it and it turns out like a Smiths' song every time. Plus there was this one time where I was pulled over . . . the cop was pissed off that I wasn't drunk and so wrote a ticket for exactly what I was over, no "under advisement", no five over even though you were going 11 over . . . so basically a 500 dollar ticket with lawyer's fees for being speedy and sober. I know, I know, let it go Emily . . .

Went to the bar with my brother and his wife last night. As I wake up at one in the afternoon I realize I am trying too hard. If things are supposed to happen, they will happen . . . I don't really want to talk to randoms at The Front. Likewise, no more juggling. If someone calls at 10:30 p.m. and I'm already out, then I'm out and busy. I felt guilty last night for not dropping everything or inviting people to join us (except for those people I did invite who totally dissed me and screened my calls . . . some girl friends I have) and I can't rationalize feeling guilty when the phone call was at 10:30. I tried really hard but I can't.

There's a line in my new Nada Surf CD (yes, planning to go back to the Magic Stick and need some bands) "to find someone you love, you've gotta be someone you love" so simple . . . Yet, I'm attracted to such assholes usually . . . yeah, no more trying so hard . . .

So we are supposed to go to Jack's tonight. I wonder if that's still on. Otherwise, I'm staying home and hiding.