S.A.D.

Though I think most things are crap, in general . . . could I have any better weather to be depressed to? Honestly, the snow was a bother but cold, sleety rain for days? At one point, I just pulled the covers over my head and wondered, "if I lie really still would time just stop?"

So the weather is not helping. I did manage to get out of bed. I will get out of the house and smile a smiley smile at the Starbucks lady as she gives me my dose of crack for the day.

M2 loaned me A Million Little Pieces by James Frey and I don't know what people are complaining about . . . I'm certainly not a strong enough personality to tell you that all of AA and the twelve steps are crap at least not while I'm IN the treatment center. I might think such things . . . but . . . (then again, I've never been in a treatment center . . . maybe I would get some chutzpah then)

So I read it all in one sitting, as I do with everything and therefore was up until 3 a.m. Started it at the National Coney Island around 10 p.m. Went to the coney island because I was craving baby greek salad and gyro and have now determined that I am SICK of going to places alone. This is why I had the book, as "alone armor".

I know . . . blah, blah, blah, have to be comfortable with yourself . . . I'm comfortable with myself already. I can go to movies by myself. I went to a freaking concert by myself because no one I knew was interested. I'm going to Starbucks by myself today as soon as I find some clean socks. And it's alright . . . I wouldn't want to miss out on life because I don't have interests that others have but just for once I would like to go to the DIA and talk to someone about the art. I would like to say "shit these are good fries" out loud instead of in my head at the coney island. I would like to go places that someone else thought up and wanted to try. Gosh darn it . . . I want a boyfriend. There I said it.

And M2 is right . . . I don't want to just anyone and I'm not suddenly going to settle or anything. But it was nice that I had to clean my house because I was worried what someone thought. It was nice to be aware that I should put the dirty clothes in the hamper instead of my usual storage system of "last use". It was nice not to talk about work . . . or to talk about someone else's work and realize that it probably sucked as much as anyone's.

So I guess I'm going to have to try and be less of a matchdotcom disaster. And I was so good being one of those.