Chipmunk Madness

I went to the Crabbypants residence for my brother to check my brakes and found my brother and his friend P in crisis. Evidently, P was interested in my parents ornate water systems and went to the "well room" to look at it. Upon opening the door, P heard rustling and an big thunk . . . so he closed the door hastily and went up to get D. "Something is in there."

Armed with a flashlight and a broom, they returned to the well room to investigate. My brother found the light, switched it on and found little beady eyes staring back at him. The chipmunk had scaled the foam insulation and was at eye level. The chipmunk, now named Jorge, is described as "a huge zombie flesh eating" chipmunk. They screamed like girls and retreated. They then stacked the boxes of empty beer bottles against the door . . . so Jorge couldn't creep under the door. Or get the door open. I'm not sure which.

They then heard "scritching" behind the giant Mr. Crabbypants my T.V. has to be bigger than a small third world country television. Jorge has a friend. Soon afterward, I showed up.

I had to go into the well room (with P telling me to "be careful") and with much bravery, picked up the two mousetraps that were already in the well room. My brother baited them with peanut butter (which they had to find in the middle of pretzels . . . we couldn't find any real peanut butter) and corn. It was pointed out that the mouse trap will only wound the chipmunk, if that . . . but my brother contends that it will at least slow them down.

My mother came home and then we had to do all the speculating about how Jorge and his little friends have gotten into the house. As mentioned previously, Mr. Cat is quite the chipmunk hunter/killer but we think the last chipmunk messed with his liver. Mr. Cat lost a tremendous amount of weight after the chipmunk kill and we had to take him to the vet. His liver is swollen and cats with swollen livers don't eat. Either that, or he got a taste of chipmunk and cat food now pales in comparision. My mother is getting him to eat by serving him crack cat food "Fancy Feast". So now we have to plot about how to keep Mr. Cat from killing Jorge and his friends. His liver just can't take chipmunk . . . they're too rich or full of cholesterol or something.

My mother contends that the last chipmunk was poisoned with Decon and thus the liver problems. This doesn't say much for the cats hunting skills, since then the chipmunk must have been dazed with the poison.

So the Crabbypants, they have chipmunks. Jorge and his friends . . . Passada and Gabriella.