I Hate

I hate that I had to wear sunglasses on a walk . . . in the twilight . . . because I am spontaneously crying.
I hate that I was sitting on my parents' porch this morning at 6:30 because I couldn't be in my house.
I hate that I threw all my refrigerator magnets on the floor because he was the last to spell something out with them.
I hate that I don't know whether I can't eat because I'm upset or because of the stomach flu.
I hate that he gave me the stomach flu.
I hate that I want to crawl back into my hard exterior shell that I'm so good at wearing.
I hate that I'm going to have to get back on the "playing field" of a game that I don't like playing anymore.
I hate thinking that I will die alone.
I hate that we broke up because I liked him more than he liked me.
I hate that I let my guard down and liked him in the first place.
I hate that the center of my body just aches . . . and again I don't know if it's the damn flu.
I hate that no one (not even him now) can do anything about how I feel . . . that it's just going to have to be time.
I hate that I can't hate him, because he is really a good guy. (but trust me, I'll work at it)
I hate that we had what could be described as a "good" breakup . . . if there is such a thing.
I hate that my heart feels like tinfoil that's been crumpled up and stomped on.
I hate that I feel like I am wasting time being upset . . . but yet am still upset.
I hate that despite the fact that I projectile vomited and broke up with my boyfriend (yes, I said boyfriend), I still have papers to grade.
I hate the fact that someday I'll have to run into him and I'll have to act blase.
I hate that I had to say, "Then this has to end."
I hate that my mother said "You just tried too hard." and "It was only a matter of time."
I hate the fact that my mother may have been right on both counts.
I hate thinking that she was right.
I hate the "what ifs" and the self-doubt that I have right now.
I hate the fact that I'm considering that maybe being the "crazy cat lady" is easier than going through this ever again.
I hate that I have to consciously remind myself of what a great life I have and what fabulous friends and family I have.

I hate that I feel so alone.