Chimney What?

First, let me preface that I have a migrane. Not an enormous, throwing up, lie in the dark and wish for death one . . . but an annoyance, nonetheless.

Water Heater guy shows up at 3 p.m., well within his 2 to 6 p.m. time frame. We shake hands and go to the basement. He looks at everything. Opens up my furnace.

He then starts talking. He has a thick accent. "Holiday" sounds like "Holy day". Have to put in copper pipes because that is what will fit into the pretty, pretty princess water heater. Okay. Have to change the shut off valve for the gas because it's too low. Makes sense. Some rugrat could mess with the gas line I suppose. Have to change the vent stack from a three inch to a five inch. Okay, do what you have to do . . .

"Since your furnace have a fan, we have to put in chimney liner." Ummm . . . what does my furnace have to do with anything. "Is code. And have to change furnace vent here. Is no good." But I'm getting a water heater, not a furnace.

I send him up to do the write up.

He comes back with the paperwork. A chimney liner is $650, the rest of the work comes to $515. In addition, he has to break out part of the chimney for the bigger stack. This is on top of the $668.01 I already paid. I tell him to do it without the chimney liner. No. I call Mr. Crabbypants. I tell Water Heater man to take the thing back. No. I call the city to check on the code.

"Is the man inside your house?" the woman on the phone sounds like I'm in a poorly scripted horror movie. He's on my driveway, why? "Don't let him in your house" (Da-Duh, Da-Duh music in background) Umm, okay . . . why? "He hasn't pulled a permit." But I PAID for the permit.

"Is okay. Have 72 hours for permit. Emergincy." Lady on the phone is not agreeing with him. But he is from Home Depot. Lady puts me on hold. Comes back. Doesn't know anything and anyone who does know anything is not there and unreachable. "Who you talk to?" Give phone with lady to Water Heater Man. "She not know . . . plumbing inspeector not there."

We go into the basement again, despite the horror movie soundtrack phone call, and he tries to explain again why I need to pay more than my car is worth for a water heater. "Okay, promise me this . . . when the inspector comes, he's going to say that I needed all this work done. Right?" Blank stare. Pause. "Well, he not see what is here before." Shrug. "I'm going to try this again. When the inspector comes on Tuesday, he is going to say that it was a good idea to pay all this money, right?" Long pause. "Inspeector. He not come on Tuesday." Long explanation about permits, postcards and appointments happens. "Okay, okay, so on Friday, when the inspector comes and looks at all this, he is going to tell me that I had to have this done, right?" Blank stare. Opens furnace again. "I look at the sticker." He can't find the sticker, which is right in front of his nose. He digs around in the furnace. "No sticker." I point to the black sticker with the numbers on it. "That sticker?" "Oh, yes." He is looking for the BTUs. "Those BTUs?"I say. "Yes, yes." "Must have liner."

I agree to pay, after several panicked calls to Stately Wayne Manor. There is a suspicion that I have bought the "wrong" water heater. "If I buy the cheaper one do we have to do all this?" "Yes, yes." Finally, he is outside and I call Home Depot. "He hasn't pulled the permit?!?" J. at Home Depot agrees to pay me if it turns out that I didn't need the work done. I feel much better. "The reason it didn't come up during your home inspection is that it would be grandfathered into code . . . but since you are having new work done, you would have to bring it up to code." Finally, that made sense. But what does my water heater have to do with my furnace . . . and why is he messing with my furnace? "Don't know about that one . . . don't know why he hasn't pulled the permit either, he had two days."

Water heater man has left twice. Keeps telling me that it will take four hours after he gets back. I did some research while he was gone for the first hour, and found that he is probably right . . . I probably do need a chimney liner. Has to do with the amount of heat going out your chimney. In the 50's, when things weren't energy efficient, lots of heat when out the vent, which prevented condensation. Pretty, pretty princess water heaters do not waste heat and therefore there will be condensation in your pipes and rust (which is "trust without the t") and so you have to make the space smaller because . . . anyhow, it made sense on the twelve "Bob Vila" like websites I looked at. What bothers me is that Water Heater man will not say "Yes, the inspeector, he wants this." Will not say it. No matter how hard I try. Plus, he used aluminum, not stainless steel and he didn't insulate it. The Bob Vila websites, they say to put insulation (evil vermiculite) around the stainless steel liner. For $650 dollars, Home Depot will be hearing about that.

Poor guy didn't know what he was walking into . . . but after all the window guys last summer (see 2005 archives) . . . and he was going into my basement, so he's going to know that my imaginary husband "Buck" is . . . well . . . imaginary . . .