If, Then Statements

I remember a moment very clearly. (actually, I remember hundreds of thousands of moments clearly) It was the day after "senior all night party", that party the parents of every high school has so that their students will have a safe place to celebrate without alcohol (thus the kids just use drugs instead). I had planned poorly and so had to work at 9 a.m. after staying up all night and standing on the hill outside of Salem to jeer at the underclassmen, who still had to go to school.

I remember standing in the stacks (I worked at the public library, reshelving books) and thinking . . . if I just lost ten pounds, then my life would turn around . . . Jeff would love me, I'd get a great summer job . . . I just have to lose ten pounds . . .

. . . and then suddenly realizing that thought was the biggest bullshit I had ever tried to feed myself.

I assume other women have heads full of "if, then" statements. Mine rattle around all the time. I usually ignore them, but it's important to know that they are there, creeping around in our brains. "If I was a size 12, then I would have a great boyfriend." "If I don't eat those fries . . . " well, you get the picture. I didn't have a great boyfriend when I was a size 10, nor when I was a size 12 and it didn't have anything to with my body. I just liked to date shitheads. It wasn't like they were going to turn into a wonderful person because I wittled down to an 8. Sometimes they have nothing to do with pound or sizes, just penance. If I was just more pleasant . . . then.

The reason I bring this up is one flew through my head this afternoon as I was walking into the Barnes and Noble. I don't even remember what exactly the if and then were, but I caught myself. Recognized the ridiculous nature of it. While standing in the middle of Fifth Avenue. Everything won't be more wonderful if I am a size 12. Everything will be exactly as it is now, except I will have to pull up these damn jeans more.

Ahh, if we were just all good enough . . .