Faith

The girls came to Royal Oak . . . which was very nice of them.

And we had a nice evening. And I was questioned (if not chewed out) for talking to RBBF.
"Aim higher" was the theme.

But how do you aim higher? No one talked to us. There was no one to talk to. And Royal Oak is so plastic . . . and truthfully, in my twenties, I did plastic . . . boobs up to there and underwear on the outside. And now . . . I just feel old.

Princess said that my mother just wanted me to date a "normal guy". But the only normal guy she could come up with as an example was some eighty year old psychologist that we used to work with. And I really don't think my mother was picturing me running off with Dr. H.

And what Princess doesn't understand is . . . I used to not care. I had accepted my fate. I had accepted that I would grow old and be alone. I had cared for my old people. It was okay. Until I figured out that there would be no one to care for me.

And now, I'm just lonely. I have great things. Great job, great house, just bought a bunch of great clothes . . . I have great friends that listen to me bitch and love me even though I'm a pain in the ass. A great family, whom I love . . . and who love me. But still . . . lonely.

And everyone tells me that you just have to have faith. The lego that you are supposed to click with is out there. And I am losing that faith . . . or maybe I didn't have it to begin with.

I never wanted it to be easy. I don't want Prince Charming to show up on my doorstep. I wouldn't believe him if he did, even if he had I.D. But I didn't think it would be this hard. And it is this hard.

And I'm tired of going out . . . dressing up and drinking . . . and having it be the same outcome as if I had stayed home in my jeans . . . and talked to my friends on the phone. And what my friends don't understand is that RBBF is in the same place . . . and it's nice to hear the male perspective of that. It's nice to hear that someone else might be fed up with the games and tired. Because I'm tired. And 35. And in my mind, I should have two kids by now. I know that I can't go with my mental picture . . . but still.

How can you keep your faith that everything happens for a reason (especially when it's been a miserable week)? And despite the "aim higher" lecture I received this evening . . . I just really want someone who can make me laugh and that I can stand for more than half an hour. And knowing me, I think that's a pretty high standard.

I guess I just want a reason to believe. And I didn't get it this evening.